


The Night Port Went Crazy

by Cormag_Ravenstaff



Series: Mustache Shitposting [1]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Daddy Port, Gen, Humor, I don't like Pyrrha, I'm not sorry, It's Peter time, Peter Port - Freeform, Peter Port is the Savior We're Waiting For, Save Us Peter, Screw Ozpin, Violence, i cry without peter port tucking me in at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-07-21
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6688864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cormag_Ravenstaff/pseuds/Cormag_Ravenstaff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Should Probably Sit Down

The day was waning, and Peter Port held court in his classroom. This day was peculiar in the sense that he was teaching at night.

That meant all the students were restless. They all fidgeted in their seats, not even giving the effort of paying attention.

"…but I wasn't finished yet! With a sharp twist of my well-toned body, I delivered a devastating blow to the Ursa's…."

Yawns serenaded the room. If tiredness was a currency, then Peter Port would have a gold mine.

But instead, all he had was a group of students who had fallen asleep on him.

Professor Port had had enough.

His fists clenched.

His mustache twitched.

His eyebrows wiggled.

His hair grayed.

And his sense of murder spiked.

Basically, Peter Port snapped.

For the first time in his life, Port cut off his story. He stopped speaking in the middle of a sentence and waited.

Thirty seconds later, a student muttered, "Hey, did he call on one of us?"

"LISTEN UP Y'ALL BITCHES!" screamed the slightly irate professor. "THIS IS THE LAST TIME PETER MUTHAFUCKIN' PORT GETS IGNORED DURING HIS STORIES!"

"Woah, Port forgot to take his pills this morning," Cardin joked.

"ROOAAAAARRR!" Peter Port launched himself at Cardin, and ripped his head off with his hands.

It was at that precise moment, when Nora Valkyrie whispered, "Oh shit, that is hot."

And Yang finally woke up. Not because of the screaming kids, but as she rolled out of her seat.

Professor Port noticed this, as he was pretty damn near omnipotent. He punched Yang with his god-like fists of justice.

Barely managing to stay standing, Yang activated her semblance. Fires blazing, she punched Port as hard as she could.

The teacher was launched into a wall. But what Ms. Xiao Long did not know, was that this was Peter Port's plan from the start. The man was a fucking OG baller.

His weapon fell off its mantle, landing right next to Peter Fucking Port. He picked up this unnamed Blunderbuss. In a moment of clarity, he sighed, "Why can't I get a cool weapon name and semblance? Am I not important to the plot? I've got five minutes of screen time!"

The clarity was shattered by a shot from Crescent Rose. Peter Port's fury rekindled, and he jumped across the room like Batman. The teacher cut Ruby Rose in half with enough force that he would get offered the option to teach Physics.

Professor Port would refuse. Physics is for little shits who don't have a blunderbuss.

Not minding the blood, Port flipped the axe around to the gun half. Because everything is a goddamn gun.

Except for Jaune's weapon. Peter shot his head off for that offense.

This of course, set Pyrrha Nikkos into a mad frenzy.

Contrary to what seemed to be the pattern, Professor Port only delivered a whack to the side of her head, knocking her out.

"And that, students, is what happens when you pay attention," Port smiled.

"You blind, old man?" Yang taunted. "She only pretended to pay attention!"

"Oh." The godly professor sunk his teeth into her neck. She died. "AGAIN! OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH FUCK YOU PYRRHA YOU'RE FUCKING DONE GTFO YOU WERE A BORING JAUNESEXUAL CHARACTER!" Port cried. Students covered their ears, for they knew he spoke the truth.

Professor Ozpin walked in, and then walked out saying, "Nope. I'm done. I don't get paid enough for this."

Firing his Blunderbuss more times than it had ammo, Peter Fucking Port killed all the students. His classroom became a blood orgy.

He smiled.

Now they would all listen to his stories.

"Let me tell you about that time with the two Deathstalkers…"


	2. The Sequel You Didn't Ask For

Peter Port felt at ease.

At long last, the world seemed still. All around, the children looked up to him as all students should to their teachers.

Never mind the copious amounts of blood.

"With all great progressions, there are sacrifice." Port's sage words graced the classroom, making the room itself honored to have Peter Fucking Port inside it.

"Oh! That reminds me of that time—"

"Port!" screeched Goodwitch as she burst into the room, disrupting the serene teaching aura around the mustached professor.

"—but I wasn't without my…oh. Hello, Glynda," Port said with joy and cheer. Almost like Santa Claus.

Who else could break into everyone's houses to bring children their happiness?

That's right, no one.

Peter Port equals Santa Claus. Confirmed.

Google that shit if you're not a believer.

Oh, right. The story.

"Port, what the hell have you done!?" Glynda wailed. She flailed her riding crop around (Which Peter Port found rather attractive) and tried to use her psychic voodoo magic that doesn't make much sense to put the students back together.

Glynda miscalculated the fact that Peter Fucking Port cut the _fuck_ out of the students. In plain English, there were just too many pieces.

Oh yeah, and they were dead.

But while Glynda was trying her best, Peter sprang! Leaping like a gazelle, he kicked off the ceiling into a falcon dive, and tackled Glynda down like a tiger.

A brief scuffle followed. Emphasis on brief.

Port stood up, bloody axe in hand. By the strands of her hair, Peter Fucking Port lifted the severed head of Beacon's witch.

"I do not tolerate disruptions in my class." Peter Port flung the head through one of the windows, shattering the glass.

"Hm? I heard shouting." Oobleck poked his head inside. His caffeine addled eyes scanned the blood orgy.

"Oh."

Oobleck dashed out of the room screaming, "PORT'S IN ONE OF HIS MOODS."

It was well known the Bart Oobleck held the Beacon record for fastest mile time. Hell, he would have the Remnant record had he patience to enter a competition.

It was not well known that Peter Port had the thighs gods could only envy and never achieve.

With a single bound, Port closed half of the distance that Oobleck had run. With only two more of these bounds, he caught up with his colleague.

Peter Port devoured the teacher.

He removed a small handkerchief from his pocket, and cleaned the blood off of the mustache.

Then the caffeine hit him. It roared through his body like a thousand mastodons. Trumpets of lightning billowed in his lungs as his breathing intensified. The god thighs pulsed with more force than an EMP blast. His biceps ripped through his shirt with the force of a dinosaur gobbling up humans.

And his mustache curled, laughing.

Yeah, that's right. His mustache fucking laughed.

Peter Fucking Port and his mustache ran off out of Beacon.

All the while, Ozpin sat in the tower, sipping his coffee. A careful observer would notice that security camera footage of Port, and the popcorn bag next to the headmaster.

"Shit hasn't been this good since Ruby Rose exploded," Ozpin declared.


	3. Just Like Alvin And The Chipmunks

The local bad guys were chillin' in Junior's club. It was pretty fly, seeing Torchwick, Neo, Emerald, Mercury, Cinder and Adam all in the same place without each other cutting heads.

What was that?

Oh yeah, Torchwick's alive. Monty's ghost came back and fused with his body.

It makes sense. Trust me.

"Nah, my favorite of them is the blonde," Mercury commented.

"False. I prefer the Spartan girl," Emerald shot back.

"Please, it's all about those cat ears," purred Adam. Cinder scooted away from the redhead.

Neo didn't say anything. You know, because hiring a voice actor is too expensive.

"The Heiress is my choice," Cinder smiled.

Torchwick coughed. "Nope, the best is clearly Lie Ren."

All of the heads turned to him. Even the mooks in the background that all shopped at the same goddamn Henchmen R Us looked at him. Even Ozpin from his tower turned to look at him. Even Glynda's severed head turned a little bit.

"How did you know his name?" Cinder asked, narrowing her eyes.

Before Torchwick could explain himself and declare why the sexy green ninja guy thing was the One True RWBY Character, the doors to the club swung open.

Steam screamed out of the opening. It may have been night, but the sun couldn't resist peeking over the horizon to look at the figure in the door.

The light was obstructed, of course. Peter Fucking Port wasn't one to let a pansy little shit like the sun steal his time to shine.

In fact, Port turned around and aimed his Blunderbuss (Note the capital B) at the orb of life. He fired a warning shot.

The sun dove back beneath the world. It knew not to try its luck with a man such as Port. But was man a description apt enough for his Portfulness? Of course not. Scholars have tried with the power of a thousand Oobleck's Signature Blend Coffee to create a word that could properly describe Peter Port.

They failed.

Peter Port had no quarrel with the sun. He turned back to the bad guys.

Said bad guys looked around, and noticed that all the mooks had shit their pants and ran. They would be hailed as smart men.

Come to think of it, why aren't there any women mooks? I bet those suits would look—

Moving on.

Adam Taurus, who thought he was all hot shit, stood up and spoke the words of heresy: "Who the hell are you?"

I pity you, Adam. I truly do. You poked the snake with the stick.

Port's mustache wriggled off his nose and slithered up his cheek to his ear. It whispered things. Glorious things!

The 'stache resumed its prior position on his handsome mug. Professor Port slammed his axe into the ground.

A weapon was not needed for this housekeeping.

To his credit, Adam dodged the first punch. His fancy-ass shirt thing got all dusty, and he pouted.

Port wrapped a hand around his head.

He squeezed.

Now, hold that thought. You're probably just visualized blood everywhere, right?

Nope.

Port was so majestically handsome, that the blood just wasn't ready to be noticed by sempai just yet. Instead, it stayed safely inside the embrace of Peter Fucking Port's fist.

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH BET YOU DON'T SEE THAT ON THE SCIENCE CHANNEL! FUCK YOU BILL NYE!" Peter Port poetically screamed into the ceiling.

Emerald spontaneously combusted.

Mercury shat his pants, and ran screaming.

Peter Port narrowed his eyes. It was like a Western, and this was the standoff scene.

Except Mercury was running.

Port morphed into a lion, and caught him in no time. Blood flowed with the vigor of a mile high waterfall.

Returning to human form, Port looked at the table. Junior hid under it, shaking. Cinder had stood, ready to do something. Roman smoked a cigar, chillin' like a bro.

And Neo?

Well, she had her hand down her pants like only a psychopath could at the sight of blood.

"This feeling…deep down inside me…it reminds me of the time those two Ursa…NO! Stay focused, Mr. Port! Could this feeling be…arousal?"

Now, the world could have ended at that point. But it decided that would be too much of an insult to the Port.

With a new empowering feeling, Port dragged Junior from under the table and broke him in half. Like, we're talking about a clean split at the waist.

Cinder tried her fire voodoo on Port. It would prove not very effective, because Port was Water Type. He iced that motherfucker.

All that remained were the chillest of the crew.

"Yo dawg, Imma join your team," Roman said. "You're better than even Lie Ren."

Port's eyes flashed, but he nodded. The gangsta posed no threat to the sexiness that was Peter Fucking Port.

The mustached crusader then turned to the exhausted Neo. She licked her lips, and stared at his rippling body.

Port looked down, and found himself unclothed. It appeared that the fire-bitch's magic had been super effective against his clothes.

"You're the hottest fuck I've ever laid eyes on," Neo declared, having finally found the desire within her to get a voice actor.

And Port was moved by the heartfelt words. His soul wept, and he knew that there was hope for the human race still.

Together, he and Neo f—

(Scene redacted to save your eyes from the divine heat of the moment)


	4. I Just Graduated, So This Is Short

Professor Port looked out over the city with satisfaction. His Blunderbuss rested on his shoulder with regality.

Roman stood behind him, leaning on his cane like a baller. Neo wrapped her arms around on of Port's god-like thighs, never letting go.

And Lie Ren chilled leaning on a wall. Because he's just that sexy.

What? You don't remember him joining the party?

Well, you obviously didn't read the DLC episode of PORT SAGA.

"Roman!" heralded Port, summoning his fashionista criminal to his side.

"'Sup dawg, yo," Roman spoke. "What'cha need?"

Unperturbed by the unexplained slang and accent, Port ignored the dialect change. "Surely there must be more foes for me to quell in this city?"

"Dude, you gotta ice the Tuks," Roman nodded. On Port, Neo agreed without making use of her voice actor.

"Tuks?" Port asked, baffled for the first time in his eternal life.

"Bro. Tukson, ya know? Hugh Jackman from a dollar store?"

"Of course! Come, posse! Let us remove this foe unless he would bow to the glory of the Port!" the Professor announced before stepping off the side of the building, Neo attached.

"Bruh, this makes more sense than J-Pop translated song titles," Roman encouraged towards Ren.

Lie Ren said nothing.

Woah, wait. Did I just write him in character?

Ew.

Lie Ren did not say nothing. In fact, he said a great many things. But one single phrase rose above all others…

"I am a banana," Ren uttered, before leaping after Port.

Roman shrugged, "I might as well go along, bruh. Yo, this is easier to make sense of than a superhero movie plotline. Sexy, dawg."

Roman leapt after them.

It was at that moment, when everyone realized that the only one who could survive such a fall would be his Portfulness.

…Fuck.

With acrobatics of an octopus, Port snatched all of his lesser compatriots out of the air.

And landed on Tukson.

"So fucking hot," Neo whispered from Port's arms.


	5. The Port Will See You Now

While the writer was searching for characters in RWBY that were not dead yet, Port stumbled upon a secret that had hidden itself from his benevolent gaze.

A secret so secret that it kept itself secret from such a being as Port was a secret that secretly plotted against him in secret while maintaining its secretive secret status as a secret that was a secret to everybody.

Hmm. Secretive.

"Why is Ozpin sitting up in his tower? Shouldn't he bowing down to me?" Professor Port asked his companions.

"Because he's afraid of your sexiness," Neo declared.

"Fo' shizzle, bruh. Ozzy's got no love for the god-thighs," Roman said.

"I'm happy-go-fucky," Lie Ren chimed in.

Port nodded sagely. His companions gave good counsel. In fact, their pieces of advice we so good, that he allowed his god-mind to be influenced to by the words they spoke.

"It seems we must get to Ozpin and have him bend the knee to me," Peter Fucking Port said. "He is the last thing standing in my way!"

Or, he would be, but there were a couple characters we didn't kill yet.

Those two twins! From Junior's club, yo!

"Da faq are you?" Roman asked at the twins stood in front of their way to Beacon.

The red one just laughed. Like, the kind of laugh you laugh once you've duped on some hardcore weed.

The other one said, "We don't know. Our names don't even get mentioned in the show proper. We just get a little fighting in the trailer."

"One of the trailers," Red corrected.

"Oh, right," Other One said.

Lie Ren appeared behind Other One. He drew her close, like he was about to caress her cheek and stick a hand down her pants. Other One had a face of pure ecstasy as the hawt Not!Asian guy ran his hands down her.

"Do you like tuna salad?" he whispered.

Lie Ren snapped her neck.

Red screamed, but in was one of pleasure, not fear. Lie Ren was just so sexy. The writer would totally bang him in a heartbeat.

Er, what?

Professor Port, slightly miffed at Ren taking his screentime and sexy time, gripped Red tightly. With the power of a thousand orgies, he devoured her. The blood mixed with the remains of Red, which of course came from Red being dead.

It's no secret.

"We've tarried too long!" Peter Fucking Port said. "Aslo, you guys have been stealing my time to shine. WELL NO MORE. FUCK NAW. NEXT TIME, IT'S TIME FOR PETER FUCKING PORT TO FUCK EVERYTHING."


	6. Fuck Me

**The Night Port Went Crazy: Fuck Me**

Peter Port waved his companions forward. "Posse, unite! Get upon my back!"

Neo mounted Professor Port.

"Bruh, I get you," Roman sagely spoke as he grabbed onto one of the god's thighs.

Lie Ren got on whilst whispering, "Jellyfish make good sandwich material."

And with that, Peter Fucking Port flew off into the majestic sunset.

lol jk, he went to the TOWER OF BEACON.

Cause that's where Ozzy is. Ozzy the Ozpin.

Like a dragon in mating season, Peter Port burst through the wall of the tower, and landed in Ozzy's office.

In his big, super-uncomfortable chair, Ozpin swiveled around. He leapt off the bitch of a chair, cane in hand and screamed, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

Peter Port chuckled. "I never intended to."

What followed was a battle so shocking that none could ever chronicle it. Except for the very end of the short clash:

Peter Port looked at Ozpin. He gasped, a sound that had not ever been uttered in the universe. Human scholars cried themselves to sleep because since the dawn of time, existence had not heard the Port make such a noise.

"Your cane doesn't do anything!?"

Ozpin got very self-conscious of this fact. He broke down in tears, "My mommy was too poor to buy me a cool weapon that did things!"

Moved by the sudden break in character on Ozpin's part, Peter Port bent down next to him. His hand cupped the back Ozzy's head.

And ripped it in half.

"Peace has been restored!" Peter roared with the power of ten million sea lions. Neo orgasmed so hard you could hear it miles away. Roman popped a cigar and gave a silent salute to lung cancer. And Lie Ren just sat down, curled into a ball and muttered, "My fantasies involve spider monkeys."

But wait!

Ozzy's disembodied face began to float! It spoke words. Words that boded ill for the might of Professor Port.

"'Sup, bitch." The words were absolute. They were seeded with an evil unheard of in the world.

"Do not fuck with me," warned the ever calm Peter Port.

A sinister laugh. "I am Salem. I'm the big bad guy that it took three seasons for the show to figure out its plot for."

"Ah," Peter Port nodded. The plot was a mysterious thing.

"Seriously," the witch-bitch continued, "we start with petty crime, then terrorism, and then let's just chuck in some crap about Maidens that feels like a Disney fairy tale? Well, fuck it! Fire the writers, this show just writes itself now! Let's just add some more inconsistent character relationships and badly written romance and we'll be just damn dandy!"

"Fo' show, Imma thinking that you're a tough cookie," Roman spoke. "But Peter Port's the baddest cookie."

Port nodded. "I don't know who you are, or what you want…but I will find you, and I will Fuck you."

The disembodied face fell to the ground.


	7. I Swear I Actually Like RWBY

**The Night Port Went Crazy: I Swear I Actually Like RWBY**

It did not take Peter Port long to find Salem. She was hiding under a rock.

Under that rock _did_ lead to a magical world that looked super spooky. But fuck it, we can't go there until _at least_ after season five.

Because Yang and Blake have to first kiss and make up.

oh wait theyre dead in this fic

That's a pity. Yang's hawt.

Ahem. Sorry.

Peter Port grabbed Neo like a bowling ball and threw her at Salem. The two collided like a stampede of gazelles.

Neo screamed as blood covered her, but it was a scream of desire. She wanted more, more bloodlust and love from Peter Port.

So yeah, Salem died. Ozpin should have given those Maiden powers to Peter Port. Though then the show would have ended after three seasons, and I'd be sad.

The sky cleared of the clouds that had amassed while no one was watching. Peter Fucking Port looked off into the sunset and sighed.

His work was done.

He extended his arms and began to ascend to the heavens.

But he would not be alone. Neo jumped on his back and held on tighter than a boa constrictor.

Roman waved goodbye, and Lie Ren took off his wig to indeed prove the longtime fan theory that he was actually Bruce Willis.

"Yo dawg, how's about me and you do the Batman schtick, swag?" Roman asked, taking off his hat. He reached into it and removed a Batman costume.

Ren, that is, Bruce Willis nodded. But just as the screen was about to go black, Ren took off his mask like a fucking Mission Impossible movie!

He was actually…

Nora.

There was some crazy sex that was had between Bat!Roman and Ren!Nora. It was weird. It was kinky. It was probably some of you people's fantasies.

I don't blame you. Ren's as hawt as Yang.

That is why the greatest ship is Ren and Yang.

And then everything somehow went back to normal after the Port's ascension. It was all good though. Nothing stays normal too long.

**Author's Note:**

> Peter Port is the One True King and the offspring of Stannis Baratheon, heir to Chuck Norris.


End file.
